THE HUNGARIAN PHRASEBOOK

A tobacconist's shop.

Text on screen: "In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarian (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists' shops to buy cigarettes ..."

A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones). The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.

Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

Clerk: "Sorry?"

Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

Clerk: "Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's."

Hungarian: "Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched."

Clerk: "No, no, no, no. Tobacco ... um ... cigarettes." (holds up a pack)

Hungarian: "Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh ... my hovercraft is full of eels."

Clerk: "Sorry?"

Hungarian: "My hovercraft ..." (pantomimes puffing a cigarette) "... is full of eels." (pretends to strike a match)

Clerk: "Ahh, matches!"

Hungarian: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant ... do you waaaaaant ... to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?"

Clerk: "Here, I don't think you're using that thing right."

Hungarian: "You great poof."

Clerk: "That'll be six and six, please."

Hungarian: "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I ... I am no longer infected."

Clerk: "Uh, may I, uh ..." (takes phrase book, flips through it) "... Costs six and six ... ah, here we are." (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)

Hungarian punches the clerk. Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.

Cop: "What's going on here then?"

Hungarian: "Ah. You have beautiful thighs."

Cop: (looks down at himself) "WHAT?!?"

Clerk: "He hit me!"

Hungarian: "Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime." (points at clerk)

Cop: "RIGHT!!!" (drags Hungarian away by the arm)

Hungarian: (indignantly) "My nipples explode with delight!"

Scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.

Characters: Judge - Terry Jones; Bailiff - Eric Idle; Lawyer - John Cleese; Cop - Graham Chapman; Publisher - Michael Palin.

Bailiff: "Call Alexander Yalt!" (voices sing out the name several times)

Judge: "Oh, shut up!"

Bailiff: (to publisher) "You are Alexander Yalt?"

Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) "Oh, I am."

Bailiff: "Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?"

Publisher: "I am."

Bailiff: "You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?"

Publisher: "Not guilty."

Bailiff: "You live at 46 Horton Terrace?"

Publisher: "I do live at 46 Horton Terrace."

Bailiff: "You are the director of a publishing company?"

Publisher: "I am the director of a publishing company."

Bailiff: "Your company publishes phrase books?"

Publisher: "My company does publish phrase books."

Bailiff: "You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?"

Publisher: "Yes."

Bailiff: (strikes a gong) "Ah! Got him!"

Lawyer and cop applaud, laugh.

Judge: "Get on with it, get on with it."

Bailiff: "That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book."

Publisher: "I did."

Bailiff: "I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning 'Can you direct me to the station?' is translated by the English phrase, 'Please fondle my bum.'"

Publisher: "I wish to plead incompetence."

Cop: (stands) "Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?"

Judge: "An adjournment? Certainly not!"

The cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.

Judge: "Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?"

Cop: "I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord."

Cut to ancient footage of old women applauding.

Judge: (banging and swinging gavel) "If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court."

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